I recall a particular day, many years ago now when I was at home in the middle of the afternoon, pacing up and down in the dining room, rather than being at my place of work as was usual for me on a Wednesday. I was anxious and stressed. I had quit my job earlier that morning following an incident with a male colleague. My stomach churning; mind racing - I can't recall the journey home.
I felt sick, as the heavy black cloud of impending doom descended like a dead weight over me. I 'believed' there were no other options available to me. 'Why me, why me? the internal dialogue twisting in my mind until I was certain I took the option available to me, I had NO OTHER CHOICE! '
My mind was preoccupied as I hunted frantically through the jobs pages, desperately searching for an 11th hour sign showing me the way out. I drew a blank.
The morning's scenario played over and over in my mind as I convinced myself that this had been an impossible situation, that I couldn't again face 'it', 'him', or 'them'. Backed into a cornered in my own mind, until quitting my job was the only option remaining.
And so, here I was - yet again, like an undiscovered extra playing a bit part in my own version of Ground Hog Day, confronted with the consequences of my reckless choices. Jobless ergo, penniless, depressed, potentially homeless; alone to deal with the aftermath and inevitability.
Disappointment doesn't even begin to describe the feeling. Despair, Exhaustion, Anger, Shame Worthlessness. I felt cheated, hard done by, angry at those who had let me down, those who I had decided were responsible for creating this situation. Ashamed of myself. Ashamed by my lack of courage and confidence. Ashamed by inability to deal with situations like this, without the massive negative impact that was guaranteed to follow and send me crashing backwards into the familiar darkness I recognised as being 'square one'.
As I sat there, licking my wounds and pondering my future, a question popped into my mind!
"What is it about ME that makes these things happen"? What is it about ME that makes things like this, KEEP happening?"
It turns out, that particular question is the most important question that I have ever asked!
Searching for the answer to that question didn't only change my circumstances, it changed my mindset, changed my outlook and changed my life forever.
If you have experienced anything like the situation I describe in this blog post. If you have found yourself, time and time again, running over the same old ground - and you have yet to find your way out. I can assure you, you will find the answer 'within'!
If you would like any support in answering that question,
we offer a mentoring service at A Positive Start CIC - please get keep in touch.